Relationships are meant to add value, belonging, and happiness to our lives. However, sometimes, in modern dating, we find ourselves in connections that do not serve our wellbeing. Understanding when a relationship is no longer fulfilling is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health, and can help you live a happier and more authentic life. But how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to your relationship?
Divya Robin, LMHC and BeWELL therapist points out that when relationships need healing, it is your choice to make, “Sometimes the healing is in staying. Sometimes it’s leaving. What that decision is, is a deeply individual one.” she says. But be careful not to jump at the first sign of conflict or challenge. Relationships take work and just because you are feeling challenged or dealing with conflicted feelings, it does not automatically deem your relationship a lost cause.
Clinical Director and Psychotherapist, Cristina Maria RojasFernandez LCSW, reminds us that conflict isn’t just common in relationships, it is perfectly healthy. “Conflict is a healthy part of relationships. When it’s chronic and unresolved, is when resentment and aggression can build and become fixtures in your partnership. This can lead to acting-out and other disruptive behaviors that can contribute to long-term problems.” she explains.
So how are you supposed to know when it’s time to walk away vs when it’s time to work through your challenges. What makes one relationship right for one person, doesn’t necessarily mean it is right for you.Here are some things to look out for that may help you navigate the complex feelings in modern dating and help you to decide if you should stay or go:
1. Listen to Your Body
Our bodies are incredibly smart and can tell us things before our minds do, if we just learn to listen. The body often senses emotional turmoil before the mind comes to terms with it. A relationship that causes more tension than contentment can lead to physical manifestations of stress, such as headaches, fatigue, and even changes in appetite. When your body feels constantly strained in your partner’s presence, it’s a sign that something within the relationship is not aligning with your wellbeing. These somatic signals should never be ignored, but rather explored. If you are feeling some of these physical signals, it’s time for you to dig a little deeper into what could be the cause and it might be time to reevaluate if your needs are being met.
2. Recognize Anxiety Patterns
Constant fear and worry are telltale indicators that an aspect of your life is out of balance. In relationships, it may surface as constant worry about the stability of your bond or about pleasing your partner. If you notice that your relationship is a frequent source of worry, it’s time to reflect on why that is. Are there trust issues? Do you feel undervalued or ignored? “Feeling understood, seen and appreciated in your partnership is essential. If you feel “less than”, “ignored” or “dismissed”, reach out to a therapist to support you in improving the way you relate.” says Cristina Maria. A therapist can help you get to the roots of your anxiety and can illuminate deeper problems in your relationship that may need fixing.
3. Ask Yourself: Does this STILL Serve Me?
Relationships are organic, evolving entities that can change as the individuals within them grow and explore different paths. For many couples, the vision of a perfect relationship at the beginning, may not align years down the road. As individuals evolve, so too can their needs and desires for the future. For example, when one person’s idea of commitment involves buying a home and creating a family, while the other sees it as traveling together or focusing on dual-career growth, these misalignments may pose a challenge.
Having different visions for the future doesn’t automatically signal the end of a relationship, but it does call for honest conversations and, perhaps, adjustments in expectations. Sometimes, recognizing that you have grown apart can be a painful but necessary step toward growth in your relationship. “You may outgrow a relationship. It’s incredibly painful and under-discussed. When we outgrow relationships, it doesn’t mean we are bad people, but that you and the other person are at a stage where you can appreciate the relationship, while also recognizing that maybe it’s best to move forward.” explains Divya
In a fulfilling relationship, both parties should be growing together and independently. Reflect on whether you feel stagnant or if your relationship has become an obstacle to your personal goals. Joy in a partnership isn’t constant, but if the lows outweigh the highs to a significant degree, it may signal that the relationship isn’t contributing positively to your life.
4. Talk to a Therapist
It can be beneficial to consult with a therapist about your relationship to gain some perspective you may find difficult to see on your own. At Be.WELL, our therapists and wellness practitioners can help you navigate complicated feelings and work through your thoughts without judgment. They can equip you with strategies to approach your concerns and may offer insights you had not considered.
Deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship is a significant choice and should be contemplated with introspection and patience. Remember, it’s essential to prioritize your happiness and wellbeing, but give yourself grace during the process. It is ok if it takes time for you to figure out your feelings and best next steps for you and your relationship. And while relationships require effort from all parties involved, they should not come at the cost of your mental health or emotional wellbeing.
If you find that the negative aspects of your relationship overshadow the positive and you feel in your heart that it’s more depleting than enriching, it could be time to consider a change. Staying in such a relationship out of fear of being alone or due to the time invested can lead to long-term unhappiness.
On the other hand, if after careful consideration you recognize that the relationship holds genuine potential for growth, happiness, and fulfillment, and the issues at hand are solvable with mutual effort, then it might be worth staying and working on the problems together.
Ultimately, “should I stay or should I go?” is a question only you can answer. It necessitates honest self-reflection, attentiveness to your mental and emotional health, and sometimes the guidance of a professional. At Be.WELL Psychotherapy, we’re here to support you in finding clarity and embarking on the path that leads to your ultimate fulfillment and joy in life and relationships.
For those times when you need a bit more support, therapy and mind-body coaching at Be.WELL. can serve as valuable resources. With a holistic approach that encompasses both mental and physical well-being, and offices in both Hoboken, New Jersey, and Manhattan, we’re here to help you find the balance that’s right for you.
