One of the most common things we hear from parents in therapy is, “My teenager just doesn’t talk to me anymore.” Maybe they used to tell you everything from who they sat with at lunch, what made them laugh, what was bothering them … and now, it feels like pulling teeth just to get a few words.
This shift is hard, and it’s absolutely normal. Teenagers are in a developmental stage where they’re figuring out who they are, what they believe, and how to separate from their parents, all while their brains and hormones are in overdrive. They need independence (it’s both a personal want and what’s psychologically healthy), but they also need safety and connection (they always will, no matter the age). The tough part? They’ll rarely ask for it directly.
At BeWELL Psychotherapy and Wellness, we help parents and teens find their way back to each other. Not through lectures or perfect advice, but through communication that feels real and safe. Here are five therapist-approved ways from Divya Robin, LMHC, a teen therapist at BeWELL, to start opening that door again.
Lead With Curiosity, Not Control
When your teen shares something, even if it worries you, your first instinct might be to correct, question, or give advice. But often, what your teen actually needs first is for you to just listen. I know, it sounds so simple yet it’s so hard at the same time.
As a parent, you want to fix. You want to teach. You want to correct. But to do this effectively, your teen needs to feel that you are creating a safe space for them to learn, grow, and make mistakes. If they feel emotionally safe, they are far more likely to be receptive to your feedback.
Divya shares, an example is, try replacing “Why would you do that?” with “That sounds like a tough situation. Can you tell me what happened?”
That simple shift changes everything, she says. It says, I care about your experience, not I’m disappointed in your choices. It says, I would rather you be honest with me than you hide information.
According to the American Psychological Association, teens who feel heard are more likely to seek out their parents for support later on. Your curiosity tells them it’s safe to come to you even when they’ve made mistakes.
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Choose Moments That Feel Natural
If you sit your teen down for a “we need to talk” conversation, they’ll probably brace themselves. They may be filled with anxiety or avoid talking with you entirely. But some of the best talks happen in moments that feel casual and low-pressure, like while driving together, cooking dinner, or folding laundry. When you bring up topics in a more casual environment, their emotional system is less likely to be on overdrive, and they are more likely to open up.
The Child Mind Institute notes that teens tend to open up more during shared activities rather than direct questioning. When you’re side-by-side, they feel less “on the spot.”
There’s not a perfect way to go about this. Divya shares some phrases that you can use:
Hey, you seemed quiet earlier. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
I’ve noticed your grades are slipping a bit. I’m not mad, I want to know what’s happening
I wish that I kept my cool more when we had that argument earlier. I’m sorry. Can we talk more about it?
I know you broke the rules. There are consequences but I also want to know why you did what you did.
Then pause. Give them space. Even if they shrug or say “I’m fine,” you’re showing that you noticed and you care. That consistency matters more than a single deep talk. If and when they are ready to talk to you, they will.
Validate Before You Redirect
Validation doesn’t mean you agree; it means you hear them and you understand. Teens are living in a world where they feel many things are changing: academic pressures, friendship challenges, and confusion about who they are. Simple validation can go a long way.
Let’s say your teen says, “My teacher hates me.” You might want to immediately jump to logic, “Of course they don’t, that’s not true.” But validation sounds more like:
That sounds really frustrating. I can see why that would make you upset.
Once your teen feels understood, you can gently redirect:
Do you want to talk through what’s been happening with them?
The first step is making sure your teen feels validated. That opens the door to all other conversations. If you jump into problem-solving, or worse, blaming them, they will often shut down. The goal is to encourage more open discussions, not less.
Research from Dr. Dan Siegel (The Whole-Brain Child) shows that validation helps calm the emotional parts of the brain so the rational parts can come back to them. In other words, empathy opens the door for problem-solving.
Share Your Experiences, Too
There’s a way to balance sharing your experiences with your teen while keeping the focus on them. Many parents wonder if sharing their own experiences shows weakness or takes away from their teen sharing with them. The answer is that sharing with your teen helps humanize you and is a great way to support them in opening up.
Divya shares that when your teen seeing glimpses into your struggles, hardships, and issues that are similar to theirs helps them feel less alone. She follows with saying, it also has them be more likely to listen to what you have to say. Here are some things you can say to them:
When I was your age, I remember feeling left out when my friends started hanging with other people. It really hurt.
I remember when I got a bad grade in 6th grade. I was so worried to tell my parents about it. But when I did, I got the help I needed.
My first crush was in 7th grade. He ended up liking my friend. I felt so rejected.
You can follow one of these statements up with, “Does that sound familiar?” or “See, you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling. I get it.”
It’s not about giving a speech or turning the spotlight back on you. It’s about helping your teen feel less alone. Shared vulnerability builds emotional safety and shows that you’re human, too.
Make Daily Listening A Habit
Healthy communication doesn’t just happen in the “big” conversations. It’s built in the small, everyday moments like when you check in after school, eat dinner together, or even send a quick text saying you’re proud of them. Your teen may not always seem enthusiastic about this communication, and may follow with a “good” or “fine”, so this is why it’s important to ask som deeper questions.
Ask questions that go beyond “How was your day?”
Try:
- “What made you laugh today?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “Who’s been making your week a little better?”
Even if their answers are short, stay consistent. Over time, those micro-moments build trust. Your steady presence reminds them that they don’t need to have it all figured out to be loved and understood.
Working With Teens at BeWELL
At BeWELL Psychotherapy and Wellness, we often tell parents: You can’t control your teen’s openness, but you can control the environment you create. A teen who feels emotionally safe will eventually talk maybe not right away, but they will.
Sometimes, communication breakdowns need extra support. Family therapy or teen therapy can help rebuild that bridge offering a space where both parent and teen can learn new tools, regulate emotions, and start understanding each other again.
If things at home feel tense or disconnected, you don’t have to go through it alone. Our therapists at BeWELL (with offices in NYC and Hoboken, and virtual sessions available) specialize in supporting families through exactly this season.
Because communication isn’t about having the perfect response it’s about being the steady, safe place your teen knows they can always return to.
Schedule a free consultation to meet with one of our trained teen therapists HERE.
Want to dive deeper into some of these ideas?
- American Psychological Association (2023). Parenting Teens: Building Communication and Trust.
- Child Mind Institute. How to Talk to Your Teen So They’ll Actually Listen.
- Siegel, D. & Bryson, T. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child
